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Emails
Emails collected from other e-mailers. Authors are unknown unless specifically indicated. To help increase productivity and reduce scrolling injuries, links to each article on this page are provided here:
"Tax Break"
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement. One day the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected . They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. The bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four contiinued to drink for free.
Once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. 'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!' 'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!' 'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!' The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, or attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics
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Colonoscopies
Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the > >17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. To purchase books by Dave Barry, visit Amazon.
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ATF
Posted in a blog by Arizona Neanderthal:
ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS Should be a convenience store NOT a Government Agency.
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Kids On Marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? - "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Alan, age 10; "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? - "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? - "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? - "Both don't want any more kids." -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? - "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?); "On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? - "When they're rich." -- Pam, age 7; "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7; "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? - "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? - "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -- Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? - "Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck." -- Ricky, age 10
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Pillsbury News
Hollywood, CA - Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion
and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may
be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
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Simple Home Remedies
It's always nice to share little household hints with friends. These really do work ! AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES. These remedies are Intended for humorous purposes only. Do not try, or recommend anyone else try, any of these at home or anywhere else.
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40 If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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Living Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; then begin collecting a generous pension. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then ... you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious, spa-like conditions; with central radiant heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
How great is that?
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The Gipper
It's unknown if Ronald Reagan (Past US President, and actor) actually said all of these. We have a request into research. Don't bother checking back on that. The email:
Didn't realize just how much he's missed, until I read and remembered some of the stuff that he said... and stood for:
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so."
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. Was too strong."
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book."
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'
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Exercise for People Over Fifty
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
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Buy American
This may be useful to know when grocery shopping, if it's a concern to you. The whole world is afraid of China-made "black hearted goods." Can you differentiate which one is made in Taiwan or China ? If the first 3 digits of the barcode are 690, 691, or 692, the product is MADE IN CHINA . . . 471 is Made in Taiwan . This is our right to know, but the government and related departments never educate the public, therefore we have to RESCUE ourselves. Nowadays, Chinese businessmen know that consumers do not prefer products "MADE IN CHINA ", so they don't show from which country it is made. However, you may now refer to the barcode, remember if the first 3 digits are:
690-692 then it is MADE IN CHINA
00 - 09 USA & CANADA
30 - 37 FRANCE
40 - 44 GERMANY
49 - JAPAN
50 - UK
REMEMBER TO BUY AMERICAN!
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Overheard in 1955
Comments Made in the Year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
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Know Your State Motto
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: Yes, But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everythang. California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller. Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grand kids And Our Voting Skills. Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum; Leave Your Money). Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good! Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S." Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free. Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn. Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States. Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names. Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster. Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It. Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's and Our Senators Are More Corrupt! Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians. Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes. Mississippi: Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State. Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work. Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections! Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest. Nevada: Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone. New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets. New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense! North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable. North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan. Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing. Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner. Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal. Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island. South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet. South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota. Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum. Texas: Se Hable Ingles. Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus. Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys. Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese! Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Home of Brokeback Mtn District of Columbia: The Work-Free Drug Place!
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You Could Have Heard A Pin Drop
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception,he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to!!'
You could have heard a pin drop.
If you are a proud American, pass this on!
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Geography
It has been said that one should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway! To that end, here is some interesting geography information abbout our planet:
Alaska: More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska .
Amazon: The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .
Antarctica: Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy % of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil: Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around. Canada Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.
Canada: Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village .'
Chicago: Next to Warsaw , Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit: Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road any where.
Damascus: Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey (AKA Constantinople): Turkey , is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles: Los Angeles full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City: The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Ohio: There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio , every one is man made.
Pitcairn Island: The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles.
Rome: The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome , Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia: Contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.: The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta. It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert: In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island . There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain: SPAIN literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota: Originally called Pig's Eye, after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads: Chance that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada : 75%.
Texas: The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas . It is as deep as 20 Empire State buildings, but only 3 inches wide.
United States Interstate System: Requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls: The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet. IT is 15 times higher than Niagara Falls .
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Elderly Conspiracy Theories
Some Crazy Conspiracies in Our Time - THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my ownreflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were!
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Around The Corner
Around The Corner by Charles Hanson Towne (1877-1949)
Around the corner I have a friend In this great city that has no end;
Yet days go by, and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone, And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well As in the days when I rang his bell And he rang mine.
We were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men; Tired with trying to make a name; Tired with playing a foolish game; Tomorrow, I say, I will call on Jim, just to show that I'm thinking of him.
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And the distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner! yet miles away ... Heres a telegram, sir. Jim died today.
And that's what we get and deserve in the end Around the corner, a vanished friend.
The Saturday Evening Post [v189 #33, February 10, 1917] Selected poems of Charles Hanson Towne, New York, London, D. Appleton and company, 1925.
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Elderly Humor
Garage Door: The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Lawyer Humor
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and these are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: 'My name is Susan!'
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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